Sunday, April 01, 2007
Letter to my Brother
My dearest brother,
You whom I love. Who is first in line for my organs if needed. I have known you since you were born. I remember watching you many nights as you slept, praying over you that were the house attacked may they kill me before you. Even now, I hope that you will live to be at my funeral and not the other way round.
I have watched you grow with my opinion of you changing at each stage from adorable to annoying to amazing. I can not tell you how proud you have made me over the years and I can only wish the best for you and hope that you will do more amazing things in your life.
We do not talk about it often, but I know the hardships you have endured. I know it’s a problem for you that dad is not there and died way too early for you to have known him. He had his faults, but who doesn’t? I would have preferred for him to be here so you could learn from his mistakes or from whatever he did right so it could help you in your journey to manhood.
We had a very difficult conversation this evening, and I knew it would come one day and I have feared this day. I told you before that I had been having disturbing dreams about someone taking you away and I would always wake up in tears. I explained to you that the reason I was having those dreams was because I needed to learn that you are your own person and I need to let you make your own mistakes through trial and error. You are always about 8-11 years old in my dreams, which is probably how I will always remember you. In my most recent dream this week, I accepted what you had to say and I just held you. I did not cry this time. I just prayed and held you.
Like I said to you earlier there are things in life that are hard to explain. It’s like the law school versus music career conversation we had a few years back. You woke up one day and saw where I was coming from. I feel the path you ‘might’ choose is the wrong one for you because I have seen it not work for a countless number of people. My feelings about the subject could also just be my prejudice, and I am somewhat ashamed to admit it. Religion and faith are two things no one can chose for you in a free society.
I have crossed the line with you many times by defaulting to the position of ‘mum’ and not sister, and as ‘mum’ I am having a hard time accepting that it’s time to let go and let you find your own path. At times I feel the worl is waiting to take advantage of you. There are questions in your life that I can not answer for you, and I am glad you have found what/ who can.
I will always support you even when we disagree. God made sure we were born in the same family for a reason. He just forgot to give me a 'being sister' manual.
Use your judgment. You are probably smarter than me….nah! Who I’m I kidding? We all know I’m smarter Live your life to the fullest. It is YOUR life to live.
To handle yourself, use your head, to handle others use your heart.
FYI: I did cry when I wrote this because I am a foolish lady… and with your help, I will eventually learn to be less judgmental and just let you be you.