Saturday, January 26, 2008

The sanctity of marriage...

So today I woke up thinking I have serious problems and of course mad at God for the problems and the fact that he doesn't answer my prayers on time or at all. Then this evening I get several calls and discover, I actually don't have real problems. I really have no right to complain about anything and I feel guilty that I even dared. God showed me today that my bitchy ass self just needs to calm the hell down and appreciate what little I have!!!

Resolved: Everyone needs someone to love.
Don't get me wrong. I believe in the Theory/ principle of marriage because it's a great idea. But, I disagree with the practical observation of marriage because it's only possible for saints, dreamers and mighty hard workers!

My message to women out there is that Marriage is only a label. Do not see it as more than that. Today the label reads 'yours' tomorrow it reads 'other woman's!' always make sure you have a plan B. I am really serious.

I know that the church tells you that you are joined for better or worse and that you're now 'one' ...but that's bull crap because men wrote those vows and you and your husband are not siamese twins. Men are only human just like you and me with no special powers and they can leave any time they pick and choose. Screw the damned vows! Prepare yourself. Listen to what he says, but at the end of the day, trust your own heart and your intuition. The decision you make may cause some issues in the house, but trust me...go with it. This is even more important when children are involved in the equation.

Men are generally fickle headed when it comes to the fairer sex and they will leave you in a heart beat for what they think is hotter than you. Just like winter comes before spring.

It doesn't matter if you look good, make his favorite food the best, hand wash his damned skid marks off his underwear, get the best breast augmentation, be the most polite, squeeze his zits, bear his ten heirs, be highly educated, make a lot of money, maintain your figure, take care of his dying parents well... it all doesn't matter. Prepare yourself for the "it's not you it's me" speech. Duh! If i've been the best that I can be for you based on whatever crappy feedback you've been giving me... then it's really "not me" it's bloody you mate!!!

If you logically evaluate everything, there really aren't any real benefits to marriage. Not even guaranteed sex with the same partner!
The supporters will give you the usual cockamamie...oh the children grow up more mentally stable... (ummm Menendez brothers anyone?), it's economically sound (well yes, and so is getting a room mate/ tenant and a better paying job), it's healthy (haha! for the wife or for hubby?), procreation (do I hear sperm bank?)

The key?
1)Separate bank accounts! Always have your own money. If he makes a fuss, open a secret account and don't have any statements sent home, or send them to a family member or close friend.
2)Marry his lame ass for the camaraderie which you need, but keep one leg in the marriage and the other in reality!
3)If it don't feel right: it aint right. Period.
4)Words are just words. He can say all he wants, but prepare for the fact that he may be lying through his teeth. Take it with a pinch of salt.

Most of the people that write about the benefits of marriage are like totally clueless and just spit out what "experts" say. "Expert" write according to the groups they represent (whoever pays their salary).I personally I'm not married, but I speak from experience.

My experience was gained working for the YWCA (Young Womens Christian Association) where I met various physically and emotionally abused women. For some examples, picture your life as a mother of 5 kids, left destitute with your five kids by a husband who has fallen for a 21 year old with perky boobs and size 2 jeans in a country where the law wont hold him accountable for paying child support or alimony. Then see yourself as a mother of three told for years by your husband that you are too stupid to understand anything even though he's sleeping with your sister and misusing your pension! Then finally picture yourself as the woman beaten within a breath of her life in front of her children by the husband she has been supporting financially.

Should these women stay in their marriages because of the "benefits" of marriage? What lesson are they giving their children if they stay in these shams of a marriage?

Someone asked me today where the Zambian "shipikisha" (literally meaning hang in there no matter what) motto went to. I laughed because I believe that marriages in the olden days lasted longer because the women had less rights and less opportunity to make money and just had to grin and bear whatever crap they were fed by hubby and because society said they had to stay. These days women have few more choices and need not necessarily "shipikisha". Well even if you want to, he can still leave you by your lonesome.

You can not trust anyone with your whole life and expect guarantees. It's just not possible. If you learn anything from me let it be :-
a) separate bank accounts!!!!
b) do not sign any divorce papers till the finances are in order including the money he hid on the cayman islands!
c) cohabit if you're keen on it.
d) If he's gone. He's gone. Stalking him and harrasing his love interest du jour wont bring him back-- it could have you arrested though.


African girl, American world said...

Tell it Dr. Phil/Oprah/Dr. Robin!
It is sooooooo refreshing to find a single person who doesn't have an unrealistic view of marriage. It is HARD work and not only about the wedding day.

Manena said...

Seriously...I can not begin to tell you how many married people I have had to counsel and how unrealistic they sometimes sound.

kokakolafanta said...

I like when you're touched about an issue!
Okay it's not funny, but I'm laughing because I know there must be a story behind this. I am calling in a moment!
Marriage is not easy. Thanks for letting me call you all the time to vent about my label:-) lol.